Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Chronically Single - But Why?

Have you ever wondered why some girls are single and others seem to find relationships easy?

Here's the thing I'm that girl the one that has always found getting a man quite easy. Just a note here before my family roll their eyes, I am by no means an expert on keeping men and have had so many failed relationships you couldn't count them. So keeping a man and healthy relationships is another topic altogether (I'm getting better with age just in case you have started to really worry about me now) This is only about why some woman can find men and why others can't.

I have a handful of close friends and a bigger handful of facebook friends (mostly talking about girls because I am one) that for years now I have watched from the sidelines and asked why is she single? If I was a man I would so want her! They are all very attractive some extremely so, have stable and in some cases amazing careers earning fantastic money. They seem really emotionally stable, come from good families a couple of them even own their own homes. They have really active social lives, travel have hobbies and just seem like all round great catches. Is this sounding like you or a chronically single girl you know?

Let me clarify what I feel chronically single is - you haven't classified anyone as your "boyfriend or girlfriend or partner" just to cover all the bases in 2 years or more.
I think if you have come out of something long term and maybe having a bit of a sabbatical then you are not chronically single. If you are single and loving it well then this isn't you either.

So this is where my pondering has led and some of my more conclusive conclusions, I don't want to come across as preachy or arrogant here its a tongue in cheek look at dating not me belittling anyones efforts. Between you and me I really have put all this to the test in my life dating an above average number of people.  

So here they are my short list of tips;

Sounds like an obvious one but have you ever wondered why you seem to get noticed more when you have just meet someone? This purple patch is no accident, you look more attractive during this time. You are happier and it will show even if you can't see it. Remember nobody wants the desperate lonely one, people can smell it on you even when you don't think you are acting desperate.
The good news is I think that this confidence can be faked & re-programmed with some training.  
Think Outside the Square
If what you are doing now and I mean the way you live is not attracting the dates you want then you need to change it to do so. This will be hard and uncomfortable as is any change. This is also a hard one to give advice on because it will be case by case.
If for example you never go out - start going out more.... simple
You might need new hobbies and interests.
Hit up your friends let them know that you want them to set you up.
Go on blind dates - this one is obvious if you aren't going on blind dates then you should be.
Try online dating or modify the way you already online date. Let a friend do your profile.
Don't go out and surround yourself with a gaggle of friends its very unapproachable.
Try to look more approachable when out , at work, basically everywhere.
Look at people you wouldn't normally look at that way, the place you buy lunch at the gym etc. which leads to my next point. 

Too Fussy
It might be time to re-visit your expectations. The best way for me to show you this point is to have you think about an one of your reactions ewww what was I thinking? You see attraction is a fickle thing, it can grow from mutual respect and enjoying someone. Attraction doesn't need to be your number one driver in choosing a date. What I mean is you might not be instantly attracted to someone and this has stopped you from countless chances.
So just for one moment lets take your potential dates 'looks & attraction' off the table,,, Yes I can hear the shocked exclamations from here.
Let me put it another way have you ever known someone that you never really thought was attractive and then they started dating and suddenly became hot? It's because they have a happy loved up glow - sex makes them more confident more attractive. They also are possibly getting groomed or just trying harder to look good for their partner all in all this proves my point. If you are not overly into them give them a chance anyway get to know them a little before writing them off completely. More important qualities to me are are you comfortable together, do they get your humor, are they honest and caring etc.
Its a Numbers Game
If you are looking for someone that you want to settle down with, I suggest that you take things less seriously for a while and basically hold "auditions" for the part. Go out with many different people be more casual- you might not know what qualities you are really looking for yet. There is no need to settle for the first person you date. What I'm saying is don't over commit too soon.  This period of playing the numbers is a great way to have fun, boost your confidence and make new friends.
Be careful what you wish for
I think that a portion of my single friends are still single because they didn't recognise what they were looking for and let it slip away. I think that in a similar way that you set career goals you should dedicate a moment to be very clear in your relationship goals and be very exact in the qualities you are looking for in a man. My sister and I have done this practise for years now, we make a girls night of it have some wine and write out our 'man lists' it is freakishly uncanny that every time within a short period of time the man from our lists will come along or show himself. I have learned to be very exact with my list as I have had some strange experience with wording of the list in the past. Put it this way if you are still an unbeliever. How will you find a man if you have no clue as to what you are looking for or want from them. Don't be vague or settle for less than you really want. 

How to make a date turn into more??
The million dollar question! To keep it simple the thing to remember is that people are all looking for similar things out of life and at the early stage of dating they are looking for someone fun and interesting without too many issues or too high expectations (so you might hold off on "relationship talks" for a bit). So keep it light at first - I don't want to say play hard to get I mean is a game player who you want? Well you might have forgotten to write "not a game player" on your list. I make it a rule for me when I first date to not change my own plans for the new date I mean he was first attracted to the fun side of me, I let them try to join my plans and make effort to see me instead -this shows me they are interested. I don't want to start in on the debate 'he's just not that into you' But recognise that signs and move on with a flick of the hair. 
At this early stage there is generally more communication but make sure its pretty even - otherwise do the hair flick thing I said and move on.

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