Friday, 17 February 2012

Rant #3- Nagging

Women don't nag men just have selective hearing!

Warning there are huge generalisations and sweeping statements in this blog. 

I actually don't like nagging, probably even more than men hate to be nagged.
But over and over and over again I have had to repeat myself while my man swears black and blue that we have never discussed it before. 

What I have come to conclude is that men get to a point of comfort in a relationship and they filter. I think that they do listen to the beginning and think they have the gist and then in their minds jump to the end of the sentence or conversation. This is to be efficient as they are looking instantly for what is required of them to do. If there is a task requested of them they may very well forget about it. This is not entirely their fault,,, through years of [training] starting with their mothers- men know that they will be reminded about this task again when it becomes more time critical. This unfortunately just perpetuates the 'women are nags' stereotype.  

We all know by now that men and women have different styles of communication, listening, learning and processing information. We know this but do we adjust .... UMMM NO... Not really No.

Men speak when they need and pretty much get straight to the point. Women on the other hand like to converse we like the comfort of a conversation. We might not get to the point, it might simply be implied or even just be a vibe. Many times I've started a conversation before knowing myself what my point was. Women also need to express feelings about the topic. Men don't understand this as they wouldn't generally analyse their own feelings in this manner.

So it might just be possible to compromise here. There might be a formula that is pleasing to both men and women.

Tips for Women when communicating with their Man;

1.Get to the point as quickly as possible i.e Can you take out the garbage?

2. Set a deadline i.e Can you take out the garbage, before you come to bed please?

3. Check the progress ONCE i.e Did you take the garbage out? 
Here only check progress once, do not keep asking. EVEN when 3 weeks later it still hasn't been done. You are breaking years of nagging conditioning (for both of you) so you can't fall back into it.
Just remember he is an adult he can clean up and deal with the consequences of his action. You have to when you have forgotten something. In short there are somethings you are going to have to let go.

4. If there is a very important topic that needs to be discussed, say about your mutual plans, your feelings, children, finances or your relationship. Or anything else that is really important to you. Then you MUST schedule this in. You need to say something like - I need to have an important talk with you, I need your help about xyz, let me know when is good for you to have that chat?
This puts his serious hat on and the onus on him to take responsibility. Asking a man for help is key as men think most conversations will require a task or fix from him at the end.

5. As I just said men feel that after a conversation they will be required to either do something or offer advice to help fix something. Its all about them "fixing". So it helps if at the start you say that. i.e. hey can i get your advice on this or I don't need anything from you I just want to have a vent- thanks for listening.
If he knows in advance what will be required he will pay more attention. Instead of him trying to figure that out during the entire conversation.

6. This last tip might need to be tried a few times- you need to find when the best time is to talk seriously with your partner. A man might look relaxed and idle,,,BUT on the inside he is too relaxed and idle to be interrupted. This is what lulls women into a false sense that its a good time to talk. It wont be possible for him to give what I'd call undivided attention and retain the message you need him too. A better time might be during dinner. This will be a case by case for each individual. During sports, whilst drunk and before during or after sex and all obviously a no listen zone!

Tips for Men when talking to their Woman;

1. Listen Listen and then Listen some more!! We do it for you.
2. Man up and tell us when you don't want to listen i.e I'm busy right now can we talk about this later or I'm really tired right now.
3. Expect that sometimes at least woman don't expect anything more from you than listening. If your unsure just ask i.e Is there anything that I can do?

 *Note here i have kept it brief and to the point for the men.

Tips for Both;

1. Don't communicate while angry!
You wouldn't do it at work so at least give each other the same amount of respect you'd give a work colleague. I mean this is the most important person to you- so try never to belittle, abuse or ridicule them.It's not going to help matters and words hurt more than punching each other and are slower wounds to heal. So try to sleep on it, calm down and talk about it the next day instead. 

 Life is too short to spend it nagging!

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